but that's just a euphemism, if you want the truth he was out of control
 

They were all fucked up, high on whatever they could get their hands on
Both staring at you knowing they had all the power
Take off all your clothes, let them drop to the floor
He takes a blade to your back
Its teasing your skin as he sweeps the hair from your neck and mumbles in your ear
The scissors cut and broken pink lace falls to the floor
the last evidence you once had control
and you’re thankful the knife didn’t slip and stab you in the back again

In the kitchen, you're standing there, naked as they stare
you’ve got nothing left to keep, and nothing left to lose.
after all, they adore you when you look this way
The two of them have this way of saying "it's us" that makes it sound like a promise. 

Holding your arms to the side so you cant cover up and he touches your body, kisses your lips and says you’re beautiful like this, all stripped down
but this lustful-ness for your bare body is as misleading as when he said “i love you” with his hands wrapped around your neck

you wake up naked, feeling alone, on one side of the bed
bruised, confused and hurting, you feel like you’re nothing
as you remember the night before:

when he asked you about the earrings you wore
asked if the diamonds are real, "you know...worth anything", and if he can sell them
as if he has ever asked permission to take something from you
his words speak like an action but to his disappointment the diamonds are cheap and fake, just like his love
a few pleasantries before his friend leaves the room and he takes you outside
in the backyard, wrapped around the house he pulls down your shirt
he takes off your shorts and lowers his pants-just low enough
he kisses you hard with a tight grip on your body  
you try to say no, you ask him to wait,  knowing you’ve already lost
with neighbors windows facing you and your shameful body, an embarrassing reminder of your misery, you’re his misery’s company
so either fuck him in his best friends backyard…or leave
but you stay
you kiss back
a reckless inexplicable rush. passion fueled by a misguided desire to make him happy
the dark starless sky and the cold rushing wind surrounds the two of you
somehow the moonlight makes his love feel real
so of course you stayed

you’ve always stayed
and when the morning came, and the blurred night could no longer mask his cold stone heart, you run
fast as you can, you run, before reality can bitch slap you, you get away
and you think- how the hell do you still find yourself loving someone who treats you this way
you love him so much it physically hurts
and you’d do anything to stop loving him and make the pain go away

the sun just went down on the next day, and your aching body freshly stamped with his bruises still wishes he was beside you
cocaine in his brain, his heart frozen and his hands numb, you just want him touching you, holding you, even if it's to hold you down with a frustrated grip.
it calms the chaos and the pain in your heart, because torture with him is so much easier to get through than the torture of being without him.

sometimes it doesn't matter how vividly you know the truth, you still don't see it until you're hit in the face with it.
I knew this would happen, or to be honest i didn't.
i denied it so much because you seemed to change so incredibly much.
you asked me what you could do to show my best friend how much you have changed so we could be together
you said you were going to drive down just to see me
and you sure did come, but not to see me
in fact, you didn't even tell me you are here
is this what 'so close but so far away' means?

i don't know how you capture me after all these years
when i am with you you defeat all of my fears
when you touch me i feel safe
my heart no longer aches
when you kiss me i feel so lost in love
when i see you, when you hold my hand, it kills me
because i am so in love with you
if it was up to me i would never leave your side

i don't know what it is, you make me feel a way that no one else can. i have never had feelings like these for anyone else. even when i tried. it was always you. it would always come back to you. you never leave my mind and when we talk i am just reminded of the desire, passion and strength of our love
but like i have said before
love is unrequited
its always one sided
always there's no denyin' it
and love wont come back for you when you've lost yourself

i don't know how this happened, or how i got here
when i came home i hoped everyday, you would just appear
but you never came, i guess i knew you never would
all the things you said last summer, now do no good.
i miss you all the time, and i wish you were mine
and i don't know what to think when your gone all the time
i thought you loved me,
last summer you said you did
you said that i was your one and only
and that you hoped i would forgive
you for all of the things you did to me
you said that now you finally see
how much you love me
and your commitment to me you could guarantee
was forever
but i was with someone else
that i regret so much
i wish i had been with you
and to your side rushed
when you got out
and wanted me to be the first one you hugged
i was not there
i was unaware
of how much i loved you and would regret not being there.

I don’t know if we've met, I’m lost looking for my heart
I lost it somewhere in the dark
Tell me if you’re true, And if I should follow you
Are you a writer?  Are you looking too? 
We can embark to find our hearts

Are you lost? Or are you cold? 
Do you want a warm body to hold? 
Or do you want a warm heart to feel? 
A heart to heal not to steal? 

Do you want her to love? 
Or do you want her because you’re deprived of
Sex and love and attention? 
Do you just want affection? 
Is it that truth you will forget to mention? 

Or do you really want her as your one and only
When she is not around do you feel lonely? 
Do you ache for her and would fight for her?
Would you stand up to them and runaway with her? 

do you want a warm body to hold
becasue i can help there too
I did it for years and I can continue
I always loved you, yes, you and you loved me too
you lost your heart in the dark
that i could never forget,
baby dont you fret
we can embark to find our hearts
but for now we must search apart
becasuse we were once eachothers love
And now I’m terrified of
Losing myself to you
Your love always turns into
Want and need and being cold
With you I wanted to grow old
It is you I wanted to hold
It was I that you wanted to scold
If I did not do everything your way
Everyday
I lost my way.
I lost my heart.
I’m in the dark.
We are apart.

I wish I didn’t miss you, as much as I do
I wish I really meant that, and that I wanted to
I wish that you were a part of my life I could just leave
Your always on my mind, but so is he
I don’t know who I love more or what to believe
One has been years one has been months
Both I have found myself in love and in lust
maybe one day ill know which feeling to trust
for now I sit and wonder, why I cant decide
for who I loved then I could not ever rely
you can say you have changed but are you worth the risk
you have always been a severe hit or miss
I loved you for years, every single day
But so many days, you didn’t want to play
And when you did, you would and hten disappear
Because the fun was all you wanted and that you made clear
You said you loved me and I believed that to be true
All I wanted was you, yeah all I wanted was you
So what happened to that love, the love I held for you
It faded when you pushed me away
And I was too torn up to want to play or stay another day
So I met someone new and they showed me how to see
How to feel loved and welcome and be able to believe
Without doubt or reason but because I knew it to be true
I always knew I loved you, he said I should love him too
So that I did, I fell into love
But somehow in my heart
You have always stayed above
Above all the rest who wanted my heart
I hate that you captured me right from the start
Years ago I gave you my heart
It was then you didn’t know
That all this time later you would finally know how to let it show
I cant decided if its to late or if your in perfect time
As the new whispers in my ear “I am yours and you are mine”
It makes me happy when he speaks those words
But when he does I think of you
And your touch your face your hug your love
I think of you and get confused
Are you the lover I dream of?
Is it you or you or someone new
When will I know if all I really want is you?

i don't think ill ever be able to get you off my mind
for all these years i was yours and you were mine
it was never stable, always on and off
you pulled me in and let me go
and i would scream inside "enough is enough!"
but i didn't mean it, i couldn't say goodbye
and in another day, i would be on my way
back to you, to your arms, to pretend i was okay
i've heard you say it all, making promises you couldn't keep
but i pretended not to realize all your words were cheap
and now when you tell me you love me
i hide my tears and heart and pretend i want to be free
but it kills me to hear you say the things you say
because i think about you and them everyday
and i tell myself its too late, your words are overdue
but when i'm writing the words i'm screaming inside "all i want is you"

When my phone rings your name, i can hardly breathe
My heart starts bleeding when I think of what made me leave
Now when my new guy calls me his passion catches fire  
i can feel hear his racing heart through the telephone wire
I thought you were gone and now i struggle to decide
because when i loved you then you always cast me aside
you think you’ve grown, but i still feel your poison on my lips
you have always been a severe hit or miss
I loved you for years, every single day
you were my strongest weakness, such a cliche
years ago you said you loved me, but you never came through
it was something i was used to, I was always starving for you
you loved the control and  you always got your way
after time and a shattered heart you pushed me farther away
In the time i spent without you I met someone new who didn’t want to leave
He showed me what it meant to be loved and able to believe
Without having fear, nothing to misconstrue
I always knew I loved you, but he said I should love him too
Searching for the truth, I fell into love
But in my shattered heart
You have always stayed above
Above all the rest who wanted my heart
I hate that you captured me right from the start
If you had known then what you have grown to know
Maybe you wouldn’t have broken me and waited this long to show
I cant decided if its too late or if you’re just in time
The new guy’s whispering in my ear “I am yours and you are mine”
His voice against my cheek and his love feeling true
I want to love him too but his words make me think of you
I remember your coercion, your touch, your love
it scares me to leave you in the past, its your love of I’m deprived of

I held on every time my heart tore
I told myself there had to be more, and I would make war
Make war and hope you would return to who you were before
And maybe you wouldn't hurt me anymore
But my efforts were defeated, old habits were repeated
I would come when you pleaded, it made me feel needed
You had your way, everyday, when you wanted to play and then throw me away
I would come because I told my self that anything was
Better than nothing at all, even when you didn't answer my call
I felt like I meant nothing at all, I knew you no longer would catch my fall
My eyes felt like targets, you eyes would turn black
Your mind would go invisible with your body still intact
I never knew how you did that
I would wake up next to you, and you would look in my eyes
I would hold onto your body, wishing there were no goodbyes
But I was never enough; I never caught your bluff
When you said I miss you, I believed your every word
When you said I need you, I listened to what I heard
And I would come wherever you asked me to go
The fear and the pain I never let show
Weeks, months, years of the same repeat
Acting discrete, meeting on the street, I felt defeat
Too quick to recount, in my head I argued loud
But you would lift me up, and take me down

im mad
im mad at you
you wrote me a letter to tell me you love me
you love me? youve told me that for a year
it used to be all i wanted to hear
until you proved as something fake
as something you could use to help you take
all you wanted from me,
the word was your key

you said that you learned
you wrote it down on paper
you said you wanted to change for the better
but when you had the opportunity
to make it a reality
you destroyed her trusting heart, over again
you treated her badly all over again
now you say that youve learned
you say your sorry it took you so long
whats different this time

i loved you, i still love you
for 5 years, wherever you were i was stuck like glue
your window i snuck through, your words i took as true
my love was something you knew, you said you loved me too
i wanted to be by your side forever
but your a few years overdue

i held on every time my heart tore
i told myself there had to be more, and i would make war
make war and hope you would return to who you were before
and maybe you wouldn't hurt me anymore
but my efforts were defeated, old habits were repeated
i would come when you pleaded, it made me feel needed
you had your way, everyday, when you wanted to play and then throw me away
i would come because i told my self that anything was
better than nothing at all, even when you didn't answer my call
i felt like i meant nothing at all, i knew you no longer would catch my fall
my eyes felt like targets, you eyes would turn black
your mind would go invisible with your body still intact
i never knew how you did that
i would wake up next to you, and you would look in my eyes
i would hold onto your body, wishing there were no goodbyes
but i was never enough, i never caught your bluff
when you said i miss you, i believed your every word
when you said i need you, i listened to what i heard
and i would come wherever you asked me to go
the fear and the pain i never let show
weeks, months, years of the same repeat
acting discrete, meeting on the street, i felt defeat
to quick to recount, in my head i argued loud
but you would lift me up, and take me down


someone came along, and i told them i was taken
i was taken by a boy who held my broken heart in his hand
he had all of me, i was at his demand
it wasn't long before i realized, i had nothing left to give
the holder of my heart, i continued to forgive


she has a broken heart, a broken heart that was yours

when i see you again
and you hold my hand
my love in a letter i no longer have to send
when i'm with you you'll feel it
and then you'll believe it
well share stories form our time apart
and how distance between us didn't break our hearts

we will lay together and clearly see
you and me, is how its supposed to be\

you called to say i love you
i stopped right in my tracks
it was the first time i had meant my smile
since i saw you last
you called to say write a letter
your voice again made me feel better
it was raining outside my favorite weather
i miss everyday we were together

please don't forget to call or write back
even though i know your in trouble i will be there all the way

were gonna scream, dance, love
they wont know what we're thinking of
we're gonna cry laugh, learn

some may never find
that real love is blind
but i always knew
that who i loved was you
when you said it back to me
i screamed to disagree
i looked away protesting that you never make up your mind
but in that moment with your hand on my face, i remember
true love is blind
we don’t always agree
we know that its hard
things are not always easy
we've both been scarred


we made a plan to be unbreakable
forgetting all who had made us unstable
we drive and run and love and kiss
and at that moment, we coexist
running to the beach as tide gets high
no matter what the reason, we feel like we can fly
you watch me walk, i laugh in love and turn
i see you standing there, i feel your eyes burn
we feel the ocean rise, and walk up the stairs
closer than close, nothing compares
you hold me and tell me while looking in my eyes
that i need to know the truth past all the lies
you love me, i love you when you say it i feel it , 
i grab your waist you hold my hips
this is when i really believe it
staring into the dark, to you i hold tight
"just the sight of you makes nighttime bright"
it was early august as we feared September
knowing this night we would always remember

"tonight is the best night of my life"

August 9th-10th

ecstasy
hotel
beach
ecstasy
sweatshirt , jeans
beach
walk
bench
dark
steps
love
hands
feet
high tide
car drive
back
massages
sex
crazy sex
shower
outside
"this is my girlfriend"
room
beers
driving
back
sleep
wake
pool
love
drive
love
love
love

Last night you said I love you
Two years ago I said it too
I repeated it to myself everyday
Wishing it would come true
Now our story has had an ending
And my love is out of view
You talk of being together and loving me forever
But I no longer need you too.
It scares me that you’re so close
Because love I don’t believe
You know I used to love you the most
Until you made me bleed.
Last night when you said I love you, 
It felt like an instant lie
I turned and said I didn’t believe you
And then you looked me in the eyes
You said I must believe you
And that all along you’ve loved me
You say you know you have caused me pain
But that you now want me to see
That it was always there, burning undeniably
You ask me do I love you
I know not what to say
For yes I did once love you
Undoubtedly every single day
You say “its that kind of love,
The one between us here, 
That may feel like its faded
But we know it will last for years”
With that I held you tight, with hands that have no feeling
The stars above my sunroof, they seem to have more meaning
More meaning than you laying back in the passengers seat
More meaning than the words you say as if there so concrete
You’re the boy I always used to love and the one I used to dream
The boy I always thought about the one who made me scream
He can not bring me down, or anymore take any of me
I used to think I wanted to hear this, but now I just want to be free

its a talent really, how quickly you forget
about those nights alone together when you made each other sweat
its like a magic trick that didn't please the crowd
you pull her in holding her hips ,fuck you feel so proud
but your black top hat is faded and no longer matches the night
your tricks have been discovered and your grip is no longer tight
it could be a million reasons why you don't answer her call
but she knows one thing and its that you no longer catch her fall
you have a talent really, that your eyes can turn so black
that your mind can go invisible with your body still in tact
that she can wake up next to you and you can look in to her eyes
and she can hold onto your body pretending there's no disguise
that she can feel so safe and perfect when she lays next to you
bare bodies in the sunlight from those windows you cant see through
she wants to get up and walk around in bare clothes while youkiss her neck
she wants to be your girl for always and rub your back when your a wreck
when you sleep the next dark night alone don't you reach for her in your bed
do you think about her as you fall asleep or do you pass black out instead

grasping her phone, hoping shes not alone
she moves fast to distract her thoughts
it cant be you, its always been you, but what if she got caught
by those green parks where innocence plays under any weather
they would meet and destroy the innocence together
smiling in each others eyes
while they kiss each others lies
holding on, never letting go
they move together, he lets her love grow
there are secrets in their heads, and secrets in his bed
he loved, she ran, she loved, she ran, confession was always left unsaid
she let him throw her around, believing his every word
she became someone she never was and he didn't want to believe what he heard
her broken heart changed her in a quick summer
blindly she believed that he was somehow above her
until one day when she said no even when he begged her to go
she stood strong though it killed her even more,
but since that day fighter became a lover more
she was the run and he was the chase
both lovers knew they could never be replaced
losing her, he could never do
for where he was she was stuck like glue
he acted as if he didn't know he had treated her bad
and so she treated him with the memory of what she had had
she saw the look in his eyes change back
to what they bad been before they turned black
the fire between them could burn up this town
with the progress of heart he no longer let her down
holding on, never letting go
they move together, he lets her love grow

You threw her around until she learned to act tough
but when she cried every night she knew it wasn't enough
she had to be what she said she was or it was a lie
she had to not miss your dark lying eyes
your her everything and with out your voice near she falls apart
she would stay with you forever knowing its not smart
her friends scream her mistakes in her ear
but they don't care because they don't have to see her tears
she cant go on like this
she doesn't know what to do
all she needs to know
is that you'll be there too
she needs you to tell her her mistakes are in the past
and that if you could you would beat there ass
you miss her and it kills you to know shes far
you think about her late at night and hate that goddam scar
your her everything and without your touch she cant be strong
I hope one day you realize, she loved you all along

so progress report: I am missing you to death

this is when i admit i miss you. and even worse when i admit i need you. i miss the first looks you gave me and the little pushes and shoves and the fighting we did and the text messages. and all the firsts and all the crazy nights. and all the worries and the lies and the staying up every night crying. the cutting the screaming the black circles from lack of sleep. i miss it all. i don't know if that makes me crazy but i cant control it. i miss it all. i urge to cut i urge to scream i want you i miss you i think about you constantly. these mornings we spend together are amazing and these nights are just as good. but i still miss you. i found a new someone to miss. i found him and it was complicated from the start. secret first kisses secret meetings secret text messages secret everything and it was amazing. or still is. but hes in love with a past just like im in love with you and will always be. no matter what i do i will always love you . ive been able to rise above and move on in a way where i can be happy with a new boy. i don't ever stop thinking about you or stop missing you but i can still be happy without you.

the stories he told
were ones that were old
once she fell for them
so he knew he could use them again
he lied to her such smiling lies
he yelled at her with such sincere eyes
he kept it on for a year or so
back and forth they went from friend to foe
she changed every minute they spent together
she was there for him under any weather
happy or sad ready or not here she came
it was ready set go to play his game
he talked so good into so many things
he made them sound special even after her phone didnt ring
he made her a fool and made her naive
from all those lies she could never see
your arm around her your lips touching her cheek
but this time the silence lasted more than a week
when days apart turned into more
and all her screams became a bore
she came all those mornings you asked her to play
she left when you told her and wouldnt let her stay
its every second she thinks of you
if only she thought you thought of her too

i dont have to be more than a number in your phone
i can be nameless if you want
i dont have to cry when i hear your dishonest tone
i can be in your back seat in the parking lot
i dont have to talk when you want me to obey
i can be as cheap as those condoms you barley bought
i dont have to hold your hand when you want to play
i can let go and fight my thoughts
i dont have to love you if you dont want me to
but i cant promise ill ever stop loving you
inside or out screaming or unsaid
my thoughts my days my everything needed you
i dont have to pretend that it doenst bother me
when you lie, steal or cheat
but i have to pretend that it doenst bother me
or i will no longer be a memory or a lover you keep
i dont have to throw punches to fight with you
because every move you make trust me i think through
your motions are repeats of stories you faked
your every word is perfect because they are what you make
youve got skill youve got charm youve got nothing but everything at all
you left the door you wont come in youve taken my everything without even a call

and all your feelings for me just left and disappeared. and i cant hide it anymore, its the worst feeling. i miss you. and i try to convince myself i dont because im not naive i know how things work, they end as soon as they begin, they end when something better can replace the emptiness so quickly there really isnt any emptiness for whoever at all. this is why i dont trust people because in the end you may think they're letting you down but your really letting your self down for letting yourself fall and get caught up. they say time takes us forward but for me these lonely nights stand still. nothing seems alive when your not around. i thought i would never have trouble getting over you or leaving you but it has turned out to me impossible. your not going to talk. you just want to lie. you can fall for the liarss or not fall at all. shes falling into your arms and im falling out of the picture. if i was even ever in it for you completely. im just a page in a book that youve read a million times over and finally moved on and turned the page.