i blurt out poetry and you ask me questions
i wish i could just keep going, keep the conversation flowing
but your intimate words terrify me.
we are nothing and this reminds me of the guy before
even if you don’t think of me as just a score
its who i am, ill never be more
i always make the same mistakes, seems like i never learn

at this point ill take anything,
even a weekend of meaningless lust
just to feel wanted
to tell myself I’m loved
even though i know its not
its not love, its not lust, its sex
but i do what i have to, to get the attention
to get the kind of affection
that will make you put me on a flight
I’m taking self-destruction to a new height
even if its just a weekend
even if we are just friends

anything is better than nothing at all

I wish you would tell me you miss me. That all the bright lights and beautiful people of this weekend that i planned for us, the one you’re  enjoying without me now, made you wish i was there. But I know you don’t miss me, and i think i always knew that you never would. That you never really feared losing me. I wanted so bad to be something you held tight and treasured. your angel, your light. and i think i spent most of our relationship trying so hard to mean enough to you so that one day you might love me enough to miss me when i walked away. but you never really believed in love, and when you looked at me you just saw sex. I hope there is more to this beautiful world than men like you. 

it took me a week to really cry. to really understand what had happened. that you had never loved me, never valued me. only desired me. only fooled me. for a year you had me wrapped around your finger, as i often find people do. and though breaking up was not a surprise and losing you does not feel like a battle i can’t handle….realizing you never cared and never loved me is something that will bruise me and stain my lips for years to come. Right now i am terrified of everyones secrets,  but mostly I am terrified of me and mine.

And the tragic way you let me fight for us, when you had no intention of ever loving me.

Today he told me what i have always wanted to hear. I think I have needed to hear it my entire life. From someone. It means more to me than someone saying “I love you”. I love you has lied to me. Today he told me that time made him realize how much he appreciates me and all the little things in our relationship. The little things I work so hard on. He told me how he wants to have me all to himself. As his own. And though it may have been true before, it never would have felt real until the day he said it. The day is December 15th. I have always wanted to belong to someone, to be someones anything.

before you left i bathed in uncertainty. i walked toward fear. i cuddled with pain. since you have been gone, for almost 5 weeks now. i have felt closer to you than i ever did before. And you say you’ve changed. So, in anticipation, i have began to build a life with myself, with my home, with my imagination of you as a changed man. But I fear most of all that when you return, this life will no longer exist the way it has for these 5 weeks. of cuddling with love letters, bathing in hope, and walking toward peace.

in the two days it took you to lose me, i finally woke up knowing it was not my fault. In the two days it took you to lose me, my silence brought out your truth. you apologized and spoke of your faults. you made promises to change them. but in the two days it took you to lose me, you dont even see that im already lost. i decided not to hold on to your promises. because all the i love you’s in the world cant take back the last 9 months of uncertainty you pushed against me. in the time it took you to say you wanted to change, the more i realized you probably never will. and though i missed you and i wished you were close, i felt it in my bones that you were never on your way.  i found myself tossing and turning at the realization that you are no where. And in the last two days it took you to lose me, i realized i never had you at all.

close minded and untrue
the way conformity has claimed you
do you have the courage to do what you want to
or will you soon make your debut as someone horribly new.
you say its in the way she speaks and in the way she acts
when will you open your mind and find, attitudes are more important than facts

and it rained

they black out reality
and black out negativity
all they learned was some creativity
the passion between them never let distance get far
in love they lost themselves into people who forever are
on the desk or on the bed, constantly in each others head
intoxicated or just addicted, the ending could have been predicted
hes gunna let her burn along with this city
the second after he holds her and tells her shes pretty
the accident the mistake
the sorry she couldn't take
the fall she never stood up from
the way that she felt her heart go numb
the way that he kissed her and together watched tv
the way that they acted as a couple to be
the way that he followed her to open her door
the way that she believed she wasn't just a score
the bruise on her arm that never seemed to go away
reminded her of always every single day
the name the face the number the call
the light that told her this wasn't a future fall
they know everything there is to know about each other
she knows it will be hard to find another
he is contradicting for he always asks for her
its as if he wants to be what they were
but he told her no and that he doesn't see her as more
time after time it was more than her heart that tore
she wishes he would realize that they are perfect and always have been
through every year they together bring out the best from within
and ever since they met
and the secrets became true
under any weather
yeah, they were stuck like glue

i likeyou?

loverr

when i make a mistake
you're the one who stays there
when im torn apart and bleeding
you're the only one who cares
when im out of control
and dont know what to do
you're the one who cares enough
to be upset too
with the strength of a fighter
and the eyes of a lover
you're the one who remembers
our love undercover
your face at my door
when i cant think anymore
when i try to run away, your the one i discover

you're the one who always rescues me
whether i needit or not
through everything ive done
nothing can change what we've got
you're the one who always needs me to get through
as much as i need you
i hope you always know, every word i said was true
 

i had the notion that you'd make me forget the world

so ill keep my mouth shut and ill cross my fingers
you know you remind me of the big time singers
cause you know how we do we do it all out
word by word we're what these songs are about
we will see what you never see
as we scream together to your scratched cds

late nights staying up in each others heads
late nights staying up in each others beds
racing to the phone at the first sound it makes
a smile on her face in the morning when she wakes
he told her he would never leave her
and that no matter what she would be his
she told him that he was already a part of her
but that she knew that they were just stupid kids
playing around making secret jokes
they had too much fun

you want you want you love you love you want you want you want you forget

she tries to keep from crying so her makeup will stay in tact
after all she has to look good for when he calls her back
and tells her “hey im ready for my ride”
and she will leave , this late at night to abide
hes using her up as every boy does
atleast it hasnt gotten as bad as that other boy was
she has broken once and for all
even though this isnt her first fall
out on the weekends, surrounded, she feels alone
in her room everynight her music proves the tone
she hasnt stopped crying for almost a week
that doenst even compare for her time gone without sleep
shes killing herself slowly
yeah shes killing herself

2006

behind walls that block more than sight
boys and girls they hide from the light
screaming&dancing who knows what it means
all their actions go left unseen
they want things that nobody knows
every single one of them puts on a one man show
self entitled screening of their lives
they edit the drama and the lies
shaking hands and tired eyes
all done up in her makeup
yeah she looks divine
strutting her stuff on the weekends with her friends
high school teen fun that feels like it never ends
partying loud and drinking strong drinks
they do what they want cause no one ever thinks
friendships gained and friendships gone
if you want what you want you gotta stay strong
if your broken go to the repair shop
because if your broken your friends may not even stop
and keep your secrets as close as they swear
their as fake as those designer jeans they wear
amazing times with amazing friends
accept the anti trust and just always make amends

back and fourth in this game stamped forever
back and fourth between tears and Decembers
back and fourth with you and her and me
back and fourth maybe someday we'll both see
that life is a snow storm, planned to mess up
it wants you to get stuck and find a way out
it forces you to use your body heat to stay warm and together
and it pushed you apart with its horrible weather
across the slate streets where beautiful people meet
kissing hello and goodbye, their breath glowing as they sigh
fighting with frozen fists, they cant take a compliment
under the weather or under the influence
can you even tell the difference
racing toward the finish line
doesn't she look divine
in her red coat or in her red blood
its all a blur between what is and what was
unmeant screams screaming unmeant words
the boys and girls around here they never learn
they want to show the black from gold
they want to break away from all the lies they were told
they want to believe in the summertime as much as they want to love
but the winter lasts forever and the fighters never rise above
the pretty people party as the petty people shout
and the parties never over until nothings left to talk about
dancing in the streetlight dancing all alone
dancing in a dark room together the music proves the tone
legs entangled in each others
girls and boys screaming for their long lost lovers
dripping sweat and screaming loud
oh boys do those girls yeah they feel so proud
they talk on their cell phones so secretly
if you even ever wonder, im sorry you must let them be
they are lovers and their liars
with hearts as rich as gold
they never ever tell the truth
and it never ever gets old
when someone goes down they all rise up
forever's something they think they will acquire
because forever is what they were told
would bring them to the top when they are too far down to see
the beauty underneath
the storm we call you and me
with the voice of a sinner and the look of a fighter
you are what perfect is and will be
with your burning eyes that tell your lover lies
you, you are perfect to me

rainy days, alone in my room, no one's close, not even you

i think i've gotten to the point where i don't need you anymore
i need to be happy
i need to not be alone
but you? you just make me angry
not to say that if you wanted me back i wouldn't come running, cause i would
but i don't need to....that's something right?

I hate the way i'm not alright
I hate the way communications a fight
i hate the way that people stare
i hate the way your never there
i hate the way your smile makes me blush
i hate the way my love was such a rush
i hate the way my phone doesn't ring
i hate the way these constant tears sting
i hate the way everything reminds me of you
i hate the way i don't want it to
i hate the way that people i love are sick or gone
i hate the way i think of you during every song
i hate the way i lay in bed alone
i hate the way i know your always home
i hate the way you don't know the scars you cause
i hate the way there are things you never saw
i hate the way i miss you more everyday
i hate the all those words you used to say