I love these hands this chest this face
I kiss your nose, your lips I taste
Trace my spine, with arms around my waist
Been apart for too long now our chests fill the space
Between us is a country but now I can feel
Your breath on my neck, a love that's real
Desperately in love, my knees, they shake
Keep re-living my mistake
And drowning in heartache
this pain is lasting with powerful fervor
I may very well be writing to you forever
Ive written you into a novel. a deep rooted song. a love letter for my soul to hold onto when all your love is gone. we met when i was fourteen and as i sit here at twenty seven, i no longer know which parts of you i wrote and which parts of you are real.
Iremember loving you when i was a teenager. how hard my heart would beat every time i saw you. how much i didn’t want it to. i was scared then and im scared now. back then you had shaggy hair and now you have none. i had no makeup and virgin hair and now its bleached and im airbrushed. we have gone different ways and back together . now im 3,000 miles away just hoping everyday you come for me again.
i can remember his smile like it was yesterday in my eyes but in my heart it aches like another lifetime. i can picture his lips as he smiles and grabs my chin to kiss me. I feel everything shatter inside me as i write this. Im sitting up straight, a plastic normal glued on my face, as the inside of me breaks and breaks. The one thing ive learned about this kind of love is that it never goes away. I remember the way his lips feel against mine i remember the curves of his back. People still warn me about him but even in those moments all i can think about are his the way his hands feel, the way my heart stops when i see him. The way his eyes dont move from mine and how he watches me.
I can spend my life trying to find new and creative ways to get your attention. or i can start working on convincing myself that you will never love me. That i romanticized the entire 11 years and that you want nothing to do with me
The worst way to miss someone
Because if none of it was real and you never loved me than no one ever has. And all the love ive ever known in my heart has been a huge lie
I cannot Let go of you peacefully
I must turn you into a monster in my mind or else i will love you and only you forever. And i dont want to spend my life in stories I made up. It will be 2 years in August since ive seen you last. The pain of these unanswered questions is unbearable
i have to learn to live
Fuck im gonna lose it
if i leave, i won’t find, peace of mind
just silent noise, a drowning life
a piece of you that's within me
maybe a little bit of the sea
the love to end all letters
I wanted it to start now. As though my life without you was not a life.
As you know, all too well, it has been hard to adjust to a life without you.
having you in my life is all i have known since i was fifteen. So i wanted all these answers and to know you'd love me like i love you and that all of these huge life changes wouldn't change us. But that's totally wrong and its not real to ask that from you. I was trying to hold on and stop everything from changing i couldn't even see that it already had. i guess that's what love, desperation and fear does to a person sometimes. We were always just a little bit too far away, feeling so much but never allowing ourselves to get too close where we could hurt other people. so we hurt ourselves instead. im sorry ive been so confused and scared and heartbroken. Somehow i never realized that moving 3,000 miles meant i would be so far. Now that a little bit of the fog has cleared I know that i cant control the future or the past. So maybe our lives will cross again and maybe they wont, but either way youll always be in my heart.
I remember knowing he was trouble but I could feel his eyes all over me. he was kicked out of class the first time i saw him, the only person i ever saw to still be the teachers favorite while she made him sit out in the hall. I remember opening the heavy door to the science hall and hearing him laugh. thats when he saw me, he fell quiet as he watched me walk what felt like miles to my classroom. i couldnt hear a sound when i looked at him, only my heart beating so loud i thought he must have heard it too. i don’t think it ever really slowed down after that moment. knowing he existed made my heart race.
After class, guided by butterflies and fear i got lost in the crowd hoping to get away. Even then, I think i knew he would find me.
i was fifteen and this seventeen year old in tight jeans and converse with long shaggy hair and braces was the beginning of everything.
sometimes i just find myself thinking that if i don't ever get to be with you or see you again how can i go on living.
its just that, i never thought too far ahead without you in the picture.
i put a lot of my faith in destiny
thinking that it would all work out because it was meant to be
i didn't bother saying "if it was" because i could feel it in my heart that it is
I drown in you every night
and what if you what if you never think of me
i start to breathe hard and my eyes flood with fear
i can't breathe or stand the thought of life without you
and I've been without you for 18 months. i guess I've just blamed it on myself for moving across the country so i kept feeling you with me as if someday you just would be. i keep this hope wrapped around my ring finger because if i let go of it i will surely collapse.
i can't face the idea of my life without you in it.
i hate this so much. i wish you were with me right now and forever.
Ive never asked you if I broke your heart too
It never occurred to me that i could have. I always thought you cared less. But looking over old journals
I think i may have broken you first.
I am so sorry
Will I always be sorry for loving you?
Not sorry that I do, just sorry for what it’s done to us.
when i try
when i try to love again,
its all shaking hands and short breaths,
questioning motives and trying to remember what life was like before you
before paranoia and fear, before i was a a puppet in your show.
i try to remember how to be only me. a thing most people only have to wake up to be.
when i try to date again,
its all questions and truths, So afraid of lies i forget my own mystery.
i can only speak with my body, you taught me it was my strongest asset.
Only one reason you liked my mouth open,
when my heart breaks again,
i slowly realize my mistakes belong to you.
i learn through tears and confusion that i don’t know who i am.
the pivotal years when i became me, i hardly noticed because all i thought about was what i was to you.
i don’t want to sound like i blame you for my pain.. but knowing you loved me was the only thing keeping me alive. and now, now that you’ve told me you love me but aren’t "in love with me" and ...because of who you are and how easy words have always been for you…
im struggling to find one single fucking reason i belong in this
I thought love was like a checklist. If i checked enough of the boxes you would fall in love with me one day.
And Ive spent the last 10 years trying to check every box.
When i was 16 i learned love and sex were the same thing. Ive never unlearned that lesson you taught me,
All of the times you begged for me, craved me, wrote to me-i thought that deep desire meant deep love.
I thought love could be earned.
That i had to deserve it first.
I spent time trying to both give you everything you wanted as often as you wanted andkeep myself alive at the same time.
But hundreds of bruises later it became a constant fight with myself and i didn't know who i wanted to win.
I wasnt in control of my own decisions anymore. I would be begging not to go, with my hands on the steering wheel.
i remember in the beginning, when we first met, I started to cry when you kissed me, my first kiss. and you looked at me, heavy from above, and said i was okay.
From that moment on i started to believe you would always keep me okay.
i became connected to you, a creature of your corruption.
I find new versions of “you” constantly, to waste my time, to make me feel wanted, and to ultimately break me and leave me with with a gaping hole for the next one to temporarily fill with their desperate fiction and booze. But all year long I am tortured by his absence. It is all over my skin, it is filling up my eyes. It is catching in my chest and pouring my wine.
You gave me all of these dark layers.
I let you make my world dark.
I found light within these eight long years. Beautiful light.
But all of my layers of dark are because of you.
So whenever I get upset at the new,
ill stop to realize that’s just old fucked up you
still trying to ruin my view.
one of my biggest fears is that i could give it all up and be perfectly happy with you, and our dog and a life living never knowing anything but our love. - but thats just one half of me,
i think
the years it took me to see you. it took me eight years to really see you as empty. i fought your demons for eight years before i realized they were all ghosts. every punch went through them because they were just blurry shapes of what once was. i always fought for the soul that you lost, expecting that some day it would re-appear, if not for me for somebody. and i felt a frivolous impatient need for it to be me. but in the years it took me to see you i realized may 15th you are nothing at all. your body is full of almost nothing. and you have nothing to give. even though youve loved me too for years, you have no heart to open, no guts to spill
there is no beginning. this is, and has always been an end to it all.