I thought love was like a checklist. If i checked enough of the boxes you would fall in love with me one day.
And Ive spent the last 10 years trying to check every box.
When i was 16 i learned love and sex were the same thing. Ive never unlearned that lesson you taught me,
All of the times you begged for me, craved me, wrote to me-i thought that deep desire meant deep love.
I thought love could be earned.
That i had to deserve it first.
I spent time trying to both give you everything you wanted as often as you wanted andkeep myself alive at the same time.
But hundreds of bruises later it became a constant fight with myself and i didn't know who i wanted to win.
I wasnt in control of my own decisions anymore. I would be begging not to go, with my hands on the steering wheel.
i remember in the beginning, when we first met, I started to cry when you kissed me, my first kiss. and you looked at me, heavy from above, and said i was okay.
From that moment on i started to believe you would always keep me okay.
i became connected to you, a creature of your corruption.