what am i supposed to do with all this pain.. i want to lock it away so it no longer haunts me, 
but even if its not right before my eyes, its ghost is all around me.
And if i were to lock it up, what will be left?..ive become all my pain,
maybe i would just be empty. joy doesn’t come from lack of pain, but there is too much of it i cant define joy.
All i really want is to be able to breathe without fire in my lungs. I want to know how i am supposed to live with this damage when the damage is already done. I am irrevocably disfigured by my past, so how can i heal?
forgiveness is shallow, i forgive for you, and i still suffer. why should i have to keep burying my pain just to spare the feelings of the one who hurt me

WHY CANT I LET GO

We find our selves trying to weigh something that isn’t there
We know the answer, we know we want to tip the scales,
But when we go to measure…thus denying a truth we already know…all we are really doing is weighing our trust in ourselves

I think it is important to admit my progress
i am so much stronger today than yesterday and the weeks and months before this
People question whether medications make you more yourself or someone else
and i know for certain, for the showers i am able to take, for the alcohol i am starting to give up, for the weed and for the man who made me want to change
i know it was me who got me here
but i wanted to get better and be able to live and enjoy what i had with him
it is still hard, and I still cannot leave my house at night or weekends
but its getting better. and i no longer want to sleep all day and dissapear
it is scary and i feel like i am losing an important part of myself
but i know this is progress
it will take time to adjust
mortality is becoming more real
and as i get better i worry more about getting hurt or sick or missing anymore of my life
2 and a half years i will never get back
i have no regrets though
because in this time i learned more about myself than i ever would have
i am glad i made it through. i am thankful for help and doctors
i didnt lean on anyone to get here
i did this myself, i went and sought help
i was honest with my doctors for the first time in my life
and after the shock, they knew the enormity of my depression
i didnt even realize how bad i had been until 2 months after medication.
for 2 months i saw the doc every week,
and then for the next 2 months i saw him every 2 weeks
my last appointment with him, last week, he cleared me for the monthly appointments
progress
a light
a light im trying to protect and spending a little to much time trying to keep lit
but a light none the less
the medication makes me more myself

the simplicity of time and
the complexity of mine
have ruined my whole life
and i may never recover

and it’d be easy to blame
cry im covered in shame
but nothing would change
id just ruin another

so i smile during the day
keep my issues at bay
till its too fucking late
we break and i break 

he drinks while I drive
welcoming the night
love wont keep you alive
and im too young to die
it has ruined my whole life


never been treated right
so i give up the fight

storm in my chest
feeling wild
no wilderness

world made of concrete
poison rivers they call
keepin it discrete
but wrecking my soul

and though it may kill me
cant find
another mind
or any other way to be

ive been right here all my life
different places and poisons
haunted by a knife
the sharper the better
Helps relieve the pressure
the point is to feel
to make it real
for the wounds that never heal
That’s the fucking appeal
It isn’t in vain
It gives proof for the pain
and for all the lonely days
for never being okay
good for only play
as long as i obey
my outsides fray
from all this decay

Avalanche

I predicted it would happen and I wasn’t wrong.
I did crack. I did fall, and buried under a lifetime of layers they all began to crush me.
I kept up appearances for years, while my insides died and my fingers began to slip. And when December came, I let go,  i fell from the tallest walls i ever built, into the depths of the earth, into chaos. I no longer felt the fractures, i lived inside them.
In the course of this last year, I became no one. It was solitary and slow, like a slow drip of my being that eventually ran out. I do not want to be here. I want to paint and write and fight. I don’t want this job or this dictated life. Ive been melting for two years, parts of me burned away, and when I was all gone, when nothing else mattered, I found art. I found Plath. I found Kafka. I found the beating heart that was on layaway. The one I couldn’t feel but knew was there for me someday when I was ready. I spent the last two years tearing myself to pieces looking for the buried gold. For the answer to myself. I filled journals with possibilities, explanations, accusations, anger, sadness, pain, giving up and starting again. I could argue ive been doing that all my life. Ive felt so disconnected from myself. To the world I could fake any connection but I didn’t actually involve myself in life. I involved a masked self, an actor playing me and working their ass off to make sure no one saw beyond it. ive written about being dirtied by my past when I should be clean. About sabotaging myself searching for the answer of why I am this way. And that’s what ive been doing, searching for the answer in people, in poisons, in places. Needing someone to see me but doing everything in my power to make sure they didn’t. Two years ago in August I wrote “I felt it all slipping from away from me, and i felt myself drowning in the ensuing loss. I couldn’t breathe for hours, turned to days, turned to weeks. So in a wild desperation and fury i drowned…as i felt my peace, and my found solid ground, give way.” And im still trying to catch my breath.

im getting help but feel like hell
feeling air on my face while trapped in a cell
cant handle my crazy but dont know how to be sane
on the outside, just pretty
but my insides are slain
a week goes by
im feeling the same
but im dissecting my movements
each and every day
The days pass, practiced motions
at night i crave drowning in poison
so i do because I can
even tho i know i should not
but no one is stopping me
and ill never get caught
cant eat cant think
all causing me pain
i wish i could just sleep all day

I cannot remember the last time I experienced real unabashed joy.
That is, without the underlying hum of numbed pain.
Any joy i find is laced in poison and made blurry to suppress everything dying inside me.
I suppose there was that time i flew out to see you in August. Though the weekend was haunted by the painful stab of uncertainty. you were unsure and i was terrified..
Maybe the time I knocked on your door last summer. it had been 2 years. sitting on your couch as you observed my every limb shaking in fear and doubt.
I guess in August, with his lies and overall indecision crashing down on me like a bad storm, was the closest i came to feeling joy.
And with every small give, i felt a thundering take.
They took me to give me something temporary.

i need someone to take care of me. i need someone to find me when I’m covered in blood and booze.. I’m throwing my life away. hiding here in this mirrored room. waiting for you and i don’t even know who

12/7/16

so many things i want to do but i just cannot
my head floods with nothingness
even when i think beyond the abstract idea

I just want to go home and lay in bed or do nothing
the thought of taking care of things makes me angry

I feel like they are so hard
that everything is so hard

i hate this, i hate being here. I hate leaving.

my legs feel like they will buckle and that ill just sink into the cement and dissapear

i already feel stressed about being home becasue of the people i will disappoint

We love to love
dont know its just lust
bare bodies dripping sweat
we cant get enough
This life inside each other
lacks simple trust
cause we're driven by desire
and we dont give a fuck

date uncertain

The Colors of

The more lost i feel and the more drawn i am to you are interchangeable.
I am realizing that the happiest i may ever be is when i hit the road. when i quit trying to be someone i am just not and stop living the life that i dont deserve becasue i dont appreciate it the way someone else might.
i dont want all these things. i want joy, happiness, love. and i want to find it.
one day i will leave this all behind and i will not take with me the panic society has instilled that i may miss something . instead i will go looking for myself in all the mysteries the world has to offer me. and i will write about it.
And maybe i wasn't made to be famous or have riches
but maybe,  just maybe, if i take off for the unknown with only myself, i can finally have the freedom ive always desired.
and what will feel more rich than that?

Not even the purest water could rinse me clean of all this sin. Im my victim and my villain. Building bridges and burning them down, i am the flame and the water, the engulfed and the arsonist. I may never really know if i can fly because the moment I jump ill shoot myself down from the sky.

It’s like all I’ve ever known is pain
It’s not a game
It’s just all the same

And without the woe there is no me
Nothing heals, I just bleed
I thought I was free

So woe is me
And me is woe
Always thinkin dreamin of tomorrow
But then it comes
All covered in red
Liquor bottles surround my bed
This freedom is fucked I’m trapped in my head
Feeling the worst of what everyone said
I’m stupid and slutty, not pretty, a mess
I’m a burden, no blessings, fed by fairytales at best
I’m dramatic and crazy, two people in one, inconsiderate and desperate
I don’t want to give a fuck!
But their screams were stronger
And I lost more than the fight
Yelling louder to feel bigger
The fight ain’t about being right

sometimes i imagine that people look at me and see my bleeding heart. that they see me and know ive seen real pain and know real loss. That this strangers glance might heal me and make me whole. That maybe they look at me and know i deserve love. real love.

date uncertain

Mountain ranges up my arm
The sun is setting on some
A slave to myself, I can’t recognize
all the dead that’s livin in my eyes
there’s nothing left inside
My lips are pale and my face is blank
No memories or signs I’m there,
Only mountain ranges, showing ware
rejection took a terrible toll
changed myself and lost control
dont recognize who i am in it all
stopped dying my hair, make ups all bear
no ones looking, it’s now and I’m nowhere
Ive totally disappeared
cant speak without wanting to spill my soul
constantly choking on truth and puttin up new walls
now ive boxed myself in, i can hardly move
you did it to me, but ive done this to you

Nothing feels right, all these lights are too bright
I'm losing my mind my control and my fight
been drinking every night
since December
I remember,
When i started this way
Now I've crossed off some demons like sharing a space
but I am not better
is this all a mistake
I want to be better
have memories last
but all this vodka & whiskey make each present the past
addicted. conflicted. nobody left in me. I'm empty.

new chill

asleep on a mess
in my new apartment
the floor is hard and frozen cold
but fuck it, so am I
excuses are getting thinner
like my blood from all this liquor

Nothing worth having comes easy.
i never gave up through all the times people called me crazy because i was lost or the times they called me wild because i wanted to be free.
i pushed forward through the fire and cried hard during the loss
knowing nothing but hoping everything would be okay.
I opened my own doors when ones were slammed in my face, i took new roads when others led me astray. And though it hasn’t been easy and many people haven’t understood, i finally achieved something for myself that i never could have if it wasn’t for everything that's happened. I have to be thankful for both the assholes that have scarred me and the true friends who have saved me because without all of it, every single thing, i wouldn’t be exactly where i am now, sitting in my own studio apartment on the upper east side of Manhattan where I’ve dreamed of living since i was ten years old.