what happens when you become less human? is there ever a true rewind, or am i stuck being half a person forever? It all happened so fast. My fathers death, living in quarantine.  I think I've been losing my hair and well, I wouldn't blame my body if I am, not for all its despair-fueled failure. If only i could learn how to talk to it.  but somehow i cannot. 

So i spend each day blaming my consciousness. Hating myself and holding all my pain like a statue. Putting it down and letting it dry out. Before i add water to the clay and mold a smile. As if part of me didn't die in January. As if my father didn't die. As if i got to say goodbye. As if he left any words behind. As if he was ever part of me at all. Or just a painful hole i spent 31 years trying to close.  I always knew i’d stay broken by his lack of love. but i never imagined it being so sudden and that he would leave without even a letter or a word or a thought. In death i knew him no better than i ever did before. How could there not be a letter? Im miserable. thats the truth. My heart fucking hurts and they may never understand the depth or the poetry that molds the clay.