we dont have our Christmas tree yet and it just isnt feeling like Christmas. ive started to realize what i do every night. i turn the lights down low and i listen to music as i talk to my friends with tears in my eyes dreaming of places far away. wondering what some people dream of and think of when no ones around. this weekend was different than any other weekend. i finally felt like i understood the world. i drove home today. it was a different feeling being in control. knowing that i could drive anywhere i wanted and never have to look back i, for once was in the drivers seat.
i cant make up my mind about anything anymore .i sat down at my computer and turned on the light realizing it was the first time in a while i felt that i have opened my eyes to the world and i felt like the light on my desk was a symbol of that no matter how cliche that sounds. but suddenly as im sitting here recounting the events of the past many weeks and it burned out and then back on again. do you ever feel like everything around you represents some part of you. form your thoughts to your jeans everything has a meaning a story a reason why you picked it or like it or hate it. the flickering lamp on my desk made me stop for a second and think. it strange considering i just changed the light but none the less it started to flicker like it couldn't make up its mind weather it wanted me to open my eyes or not. i love that lamp because someone i love gave it to me someone i can never hug or tell them i love them again. i wish my birthday wasnt so close so i wouldn't have to miss so many people on that day, weather its because they see me from a different place these days or weather its simply because ive lost touch with some people who just wont remember my birthday this year. there will be no family dinner this year for my birthday for i have no close family besides my parents and my sister anymore. who i barley even trust anymore. my brothers moved away many years ago and an accident last year prevents other people i love from being there too. 
my internet just shut of, my light just shut off, i feel like its something psychological especially when it turns back on every time i reach for the switch. basically that is how everything has been lately....off and on....off and on...off...and on it will go
i dont know how to stop it but hopefully ill learn...i think i forgot all the skills i was supposed to learn in that life lesson class back in middle school either that or there was no class at all and i just need one because everyone else just figured it out by themselves....no point really. in taking on another endeavor like trying to understand myself or anyone else id probably just get a F in that too. what else is new


i just got the same text message sent to me 3 times...everything is some twisted sign latley that i know im missing i just know it theres something so great im missing....there has to be