its funny the things that hurt me.
i have come to believe, in all and every way that this is the role i was meant to play.
somewhere somehow things got fucked up and this became who i am and what i am and who i will always be. the thing, the sex, the body. the face cropped out. the sexy one the hot one. the lets get drunk. never anything real.
so when i think of last night and how i took pictures for you, for the at least 20th time. I’m not mad about it, and even as i delete them now, i just laugh to myself because this is who i am. its who ill always be to everyone. and if I’m not this, I’m not anything to anyone.
Sometimes I get mixed up and wound up and caught up and vent to these guys as if they actually give a damn about my life and some of them can’t take it. they cut me out forever. i get it, and i think a part of me does it for that reason. to push them away because i know. i know they don’t care and i just want proof and its the only way they will stop begging for me.
some of them, they let me ramble via text. they let me say crazy things and reply with “I’m sorry” or just ignore the texts and in the case of last night say “whoops sorry i was  talking to someone at the gym about your old best friend who i used to fuck , did you know she’s single again?”