I dont have time for a lot of things.
i know i have as many hours in a day as everyone else but my depression takes up a lot of time.
its like having to care for another person except this other person is very sick and living inside me.
it takes me so much longer to do normal things. I dont use this as an excuse. in fact, i think i do even more because im relentlessly seeking distraction.
But it still remains true that i constantly feel like i have less time, not enough time and am losing time.
Things like getting up, getting in the shower, looking in the mirror. These things are not simple, or easy, they can take hours. fucking hours. i hate it, i try to fight it. but its like someone sitting in front of you holding you down saying “you cant do this, youre a piece of shit,” its so hard just to put one foot in front of the other.
i think i am a good example because i thrive at work and i try really hard to fight my disease, even with all the medications i take i have to fight every minute. Lately ive been feeling so confused, so mixed up and turned around. Like i lost myself in the fight, in the battle. In the missing time. Somewhere in between my eyes opening and before they close at night, im just gone. im nowhere and im nobody. Im losing time, memories, ideas, sanity. Anything that ever seemed to make this fight worth fighting. Parts of my brain seem to have gone missing. taken away. not by drugs, but by the endless loneliness of these past 3 years. soon ill be nothing. and it wont matter that i used to be able to make pain into poetry. even if i let go of the pain now, even if i knew how or could find a way, it has already destroyed me. its been 8 years since it all fell apart, and everything since feels like a fucking blur. one distraction after the next that was never enough to fix or heal the gaping hole that remains inside of me. all ive done is get older and more screwed up. trust less. hate more. enjoy less. fuck more. and grow to absolutely hate myself. im the worst person ive ever met.