I am not sure i ever really knew how incredibly invisible my strength has been every time i look in the mirror. i have seen anger and hate. i have fought with passion and fear. I have seen tears and confusion. But today my soul decided to feel strength as i am now. i have gotten myself through everything. i have been the one to pick myself up, the one to rescue myself. i always attributed my rescue to others because i was so unaware that i was capable of self repair. I have never really had someone ask me questions, or want to listen. Not that way. And if i ever had, i was afraid to take advantage of it for fear that they would stop listening. for fear that they were not real. and for fear of their knife hovering at my back. Thus, i did create my own world in writing. but away from the paper, i was their's. i was everyone’s anything. and i got thrown around, broken and left…and it was in these times that i would concede to my journal. that i would be my own best friend. but it was never a choice. i didn’t care about my own world as much as i cared about the worlds of so many others. Because of this, there is no one who knows the depth of my soul and my heart. I fear so many things. i believe in no truth enough to let it be part of me. i am sensitive. i am in need. i am terrified. but i have been the hero of my story, and though i have always wanted to be saved by another,  i have been my own solid ground to stand upon, my own anchor when no one came through. therefore i must remember to conclude, that i am my anchor. i am my hero. i am my truth. i am my strength. and no matter how weak i may feel, or how much doubt fills my eyes and lips, i will get through this without you. just like i always have. and i must remember to be honest. remember to be me. remember to choose very carefully, but to someday let someone into my world. to be a part of my story. to know the depth of my soul. I must be unapologetically me and no longer fear the opinion of my family. even as i write it, it feels like a trick, like an impossibility. where as some people find it difficult to fit into a mold, i find that it is easy. i find i can fit in any where and be whoever you want me to be. for me the difficulty lies in letting go of the rules and the roles. i have no idea how to be me without trying to imitate someone else. but everyday is better than the one before,  at remembering who i am in the midst of who i am supposed to be. i am the ocean, the cold, the long drive, the live music, the cuddle up, the drink, the group, the photo, the sand.  and for now that is enough.